Marshall Lorenzo's never been backward in coming forward.

The Tāmaki Makaurau-born entertainer has spent the last 13 years carving a career in Canada as an award-winning sketch comedy writer and performer, where he worked on the debut season of Canada’s Drag Race and was the head writer of highly decorated troupe, The Sketchersons.

Now back home, Lorenzo is bringing his own brand of sketch comedy to Auckland Pride with his show Baby Gorgeous, (1-3 February) as part of Q Theatre’s 2024 Summer programme. 

While his show proudly embraces 'unbridled delusion', Lorenzo has some home truths for his 22-year-old self - knowing what he does now.

Well, this is weird, we both have the same hair right now.  

I know, I know, fashion is cyclical. It pains me to tell you this but the nineties are back. Everything you’re wearing right now is happening all over again, except they’re all much younger and hotter. I finally understand why my parents cringed when I embraced the eighties. 

But if it makes you feel better, they’re making the same fashion faux pas you did: Middle parts, bleached denim, and smoking is back (in vape form). Oh a vape is… it’s like a… it doesn’t matter.

First things first: get thee to a comedy/acting class stat. This may shock you, but comedy is a viable career. A very poor, destitute career but a career nonetheless. 

Keep your job and start a savings account (my God, please start a savings account). Take night classes! Go to open mic nights! Bomb for a thousand years but use that God-given twenty-something delusion to plow through it. And it doesn’t have to be a production! 

Your biggest flaw, and I’m sorry to say it, is you want everything to be done ‘properly’. You don’t even have to tell anyone what you’re doing - just do it.  

I’m omitting a bunch of stuff that will undoubtedly affect the future in a Biff/Back to the Future kinda way, so I’ll just say the obvious… The amount of time you spend agonising over your weight and body is wild. I’ll DM you some nudes right now - is that weird? It’s weird. If you don’t believe me, spend a day annotating your thoughts around your body in one column, and then in the other column annotate the ungodly amount of people you’re sleeping with. 

You’re cute! Get over the hang-ups and for chrissakes be nice to people. Making someone else's day rewards you both.

As for the body count: hooray you’re a slut, congrats. But maybe spend just a sliver of time to get to know these people. Some of them really like you, but you’re too busy looking for the next thing.

Also, you’re funny, but that's not enough. Do the work, you lazy MFer. 

And now for some quick-fire tips:

- Not every country thinks it’s cute to get blackout drunk
- Your hair is invincible (so far)
- Villains are h'white and rich and they run the world - infiltrate them
- Lesbians are too powerful - befriend them
- Squirrels!
- You don’t need to have kids, but love your friend's kids like your own (it’s our job!)
- Pepsi > Cocaine
- Exercise is not for vanity
- You were right to walk out of that Mr Bean movie

And finally: download everything from Mama. You weren’t there when it mattered most. But it’s okay as long as you keep her story going. 

Love you mean it. XOXO captain hangi pants.